She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
