I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
