its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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