I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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