i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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