dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
