i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
