I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
