She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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