My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
