If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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