i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
