you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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