i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
