shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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