I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
