remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
