i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
