make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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