i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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