Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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