I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
