Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
