Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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