Umm I'm too high to move.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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