Farmville is her only friend.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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