That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
