She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
