I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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