If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
