the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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