underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
