Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
