if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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