Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
