I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
