Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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