I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
