awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
