GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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