I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
