Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
