i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
