I feel like I'm in dance class right now
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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