Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
