i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
