Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
