woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
