My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
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