Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
